About me or: How I Met Ana

Hey there.

I firstly met Ana (Anorexia) at the end of 2012. I remember sitting around the table during Christmas dinner, begging my grandma not to put “that much turkey” on my plate, even if I was starving. But this was just the beginning. Whenever I saw the numbers on the scale dropping, I heard Anas voice. Congratulations, she whispered. You’re so close to being perfect. So close. Being perfect, that’s easier than being me, I thought. There was so much insecurity in my life at that point. An unhealthy relationship that I wasn’t brave enough to end. Upcoming exams. Struggles within my family. I just couldn’t handle it. So if I fade, I thought, maybe my problems will do so as well.

They didn’t. I spent the weeks before my 18th birthday in hospital. What I mainly remember from that time are the supplement drinks I had to take several times a day. The nights that I passed crying my eyes out and not being allowed to take a shower without a nurse sitting besides me. Then exams with 43kg. Hoping that everything would get better, now that the pressure was gone. Another five kilograms less. 14 weeks in a clinic for eating disorders. Self-discharge in September 2013.

During all that time, Ana has been by my side. Even if I knew long ago, that she wasn’t my friend at all, I still couldn’t manage to get rid of her. She was there for me, when I felt overwhelmed. She made me feel proud, when I only had an apple for breakfast. When I drank my cup of tea, while everybody else was ordering hot chocolate. You’re stronger than them, she said. You can control yourself. I tried to break up with Ana. More than one time. But, sooner or later, I would miss her and she would always forgive me. I’m here for you, she would say. I’m here, no matter how often you dropped me already.

In the meantime, I got better. I gained weight. I learned a lot about my illness and I learned a lot about myself. Since October 2014 I’m studying culture in Northern Germany. And this time, the break-up with Ana isn’t only a try. It’s a decision. I know that I won’t be able to do this alone, which is the reason why I started this blog. I want to share my experiences, my advice, my thoughts and I hope that as many of you as possible will join me on my way towards that thing called life. Cause I believe that together we can say: Bye, dear Ana!

For feedback, questions or other requests you can write me a mail: byedearana@web.de

3 Gedanken zu “About me or: How I Met Ana

  1. „Being perfect, that’s easier than being me, “

    „Even if I knew long ago, that she wasn’t my friend at all, I still couldn’t manage to get rid of her. She was there for me, when I felt overwhelmed. “

    „I’m here for you, she would say. I’m here, no matter how often you dropped me already.“

    These statements that you made summarize my own relationship with Ana. Thankfully, Jesus is even more forgiving than Ana is. No matter how many times I ignore Him, he waits with open arms, ready to take my burdens and help me heal.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

    Gefällt mir

  2. Hello I’m going through anorexia recovery and extreme hunger at the end of my recovery! I’m weight restored yet it’s still continuing! Why?!
    When does this end and how did you eat once it had passed? Thank you

    Gefällt mir

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