I firstly met Ana (Anorexia) at the end of 2012. I remember sitting around the table during Christmas dinner, begging my grandma not to put “that much turkey” on my plate, even if I was starving. But this was just the beginning. Whenever I saw the numbers on the scale dropping, I heard Anas voice. Congratulations, she whispered. You’re so close to being perfect. So close. Being perfect, that’s easier than being me, I thought. There was so much insecurity in my life at that point. An unhealthy relationship that I wasn’t brave enough to end. Upcoming exams. Struggles within my family. I just couldn’t handle it. So if I fade, I thought, maybe my problems will do so as well.
They didn’t. I spent the weeks before my 18th birthday in hospital. What I mainly remember from that time are the supplement drinks I had to take several times a day. The nights that I passed crying my eyes out and not being allowed to take a shower without a nurse sitting besides me. Then exams with 43kg. Hoping that everything would get better, now that the pressure was gone. Another five kilograms less. 14 weeks in a clinic for eating disorders. Self-discharge in September 2013.
During all that time, Ana has been by my side. Even if I knew long ago, that she wasn’t my friend at all, I still couldn’t manage to get rid of her. She was there for me, when I felt overwhelmed. She made me feel proud, when I only had an apple for breakfast. When I drank my cup of tea, while everybody else was ordering hot chocolate. You’re stronger than them, she said. You can control yourself. I tried to break up with Ana. More than one time. But, sooner or later, I would miss her and she would always forgive me. I’m here for you, she would say. I’m here, no matter how often you dropped me already.
In the meantime, I got better. I gained weight. I learned a lot about my illness and I learned a lot about myself. Since October 2014 I’m studying culture in Northern Germany. And this time, the break-up with Ana isn’t only a try. It’s a decision. I know that I won’t be able to do this alone, which is the reason why I started this blog. I want to share my experiences, my advice, my thoughts and I hope that as many of you as possible will join me on my way towards that thing called life. Cause I believe that together we can say: Bye, dear Ana!
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